


Room To Breathe

by shadowpyxy_pyxydust



Series: Many Lives, Many Selves, One Partner [1]
Category: Final Fantasy XIII, Final Fantasy XIII Series, Final Fantasy XIII-2, Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bhuni!Hope, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Gen, Mental Anguish, Post-Canon, Post-Lightning Returns, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-06-07 04:33:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6785368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowpyxy_pyxydust/pseuds/shadowpyxy_pyxydust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lightning's feelings in the New World become too much to deal with. Her search for peace takes an unexpected turn. After a millennium of conflict and chaos, will she finally find room to breathe?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Room To Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Statements in double quotes are speech, statements without quotes are thoughts, and single quotes are special based on their context (onomatopoeia, euphemism, quoting another, etc.).
> 
> For HopeRai Week 2015. Prompt: Discontent

### Front Range, Colorado Rockies, USA

The brown leather suitcase was flung onto the bed with an emphatic huff indicating its owner's current attitude - frustrated. A zipper was quickly opened as the source of the woman's mood, a phone conversation with her sister, continued. "No, Serah. I'm fine." Lightning listened to her sister's concerns for the umpteenth time in the last four days. "Really. I'm fine. I just need some space is all." Aqua blue eyes rolled hard enough to cause pain as she listened to her sister's continued entreaties to return home. _So much for backing off._ _I swear, if she were_ _ **anyone**_ _else_... She resolutely ignored the mental flash of green and silver that's haunted her since they'd all reunited. Firmly she said, "Serah!" The voice on the other end of the call quieted. "I said I'm fine. I'll be in touch." She quickly pressed the end call button on her cell phone then turned it off. Gazing at the black screen, the elder Farron took a deep breath before pocketing the device.

 

Muttering to herself, the ex-soldier settled into the cabin she'd rented in the American Rockies. "It's absolutely ridiculous that I had to travel across an ocean to another continent in order to get some peace and quiet." Her clothing was placed neatly in the bedroom's dresser and closet then she tossed her shoes haphazardly onto the floor. Heaving a sigh, Lightning placed her toiletries bag on the bathroom counter before making her way into her least favorite room of any house: the kitchen. _Can't say I'm looking forward to my own cooking again_. She pulled open the pantry door and took stock of whatever essentials might be there. The brochure had advertised "All basic amenities provided, including basic nonperishables." Letting another hiss of aggravation escape, Lightning made a list of everything she'd need over the next week or so. She was **not** looking forward to shopping in town.

 

The two bedroom/two bath cabin was a faux-rustic building with all the modern conveniences Americans deemed necessary. A moderately sized wood stove was set into the wall between the main bedroom and living room. Most of the rooms consisted of light oak paneling and hard wood floors except the master bedroom which had wall-to-wall carpeting in a familiar sea green. _Don't think about..._ She shook her head as she cut off that thought. _Just don't think_. The two bathrooms were tiled in blues and greens that reminded her of the coastal waters along Old and New Bodhums' shores far more than they did the seascapes along the French coast. The kitchen was a modern wonder of stainless steel appliances, granite counter tops, dark cherry cabinetry, and stark white linoleum. _Not that I know how to use half of this stuff. A skillet, a pot, some utensils, plates, and bowls. That's all I need_.

 

"Right." She picked up her keys, wallet, and shopping list. The door was quickly locked on her way to the small rental car. "Might as well get this out of the way." Thankfully, the engine started with no trouble despite the Spring chill that lingered. She swiftly slammed her door shut and began the twenty minute drive into town. Lightning drove along the curving road somewhat cautiously; no sense in careening over a cliff while in a mountain range surpassing the Alps in height and with no way for anyone to find her. "That will float as well as a lead balloon once Serah figures it out." A bleak smirk briefly passed over the young woman's lips. "I'll be lucky if she doesn't send Snow or Fang after me." She paused to consider the most likely scenario when the inevitable occurred. "Worse, she might send both once she realizes that tracking app she insisted on was deactivated and removed from my phone." A hollow chuckle followed the statement. "And she accused **me** of being overprotective before all that l'Cie mess." Another pause. "Aaannnddd I'm talking to myself now."

 

Shaking her head at the absurdity of her situation, Lightning pushed away thoughts of the many role reversals that hammered her their first six months in the New World. _Can't go there. Everyone's just worried; I simply wish they'd leave me be long enough to adjust._ She deftly pulled into the local grocery store's parking lot. Two more minutes found her determinedly marching through the aisles gathering her supplies. Another ten minutes saw her checked out and back on the road toward her haven for however long she chose to stay. The sun setting behind the mountains cast long shadows across the pavement. _I need to reach the cabin before dark so I don't become lost_. She pressed harder on the accelerator, zipping up the mountain in a race against nightfall. Unfortunately, she couldn't outrun her thoughts.

 

In her mind's eye, her family's faces materialized in sharp relief along with soul crushing guilt and despair. The years of separation, centuries upon centuries worth, added to her already heavy load of sadness and fear. Once everyone was found and there was nothing to distract her, it quickly became overwhelming. Lumina's reintegration turned an emotional boulder into an avalanche burying her. At that point, Lightning's normal coping mechanism, isolation, kicked in. Her choice wasn't well-received.

 

Her thoughts continued to drift back to when she announced she was leaving for an indeterminate period of time. Of course Serah wanted to know why and, more importantly, why **now** after they'd found each other again. Vanille was quick to jump on that bandwagon. Snow and Fang were vehemently against it, each for their own convoluted reasons shaped by their self-imposed exiles in Nova Chrysalia. Sazh was quietly accepting. And disapproving. Noel lent his support to Snow's and Serah's points while Yeul sat quietly and watched the tableau unfold. The only one who supported her choice was the one guaranteed to be hurt most by it.

 

A pair of jade green eyes topped by messy silver hair came to the forefront of her mind shoving the emotional knife deeper. The understanding and desperation swirling within those eyes over the previous four days were what drove her halfway across the world in lieu of staying relatively close to assuage Serah's concerns. _I just...can't. I can't do this_.

 

How could such a short time seem like an eternity? She'd lived an eternity, several eternities, in Valhalla without actually aging a day. The previous four days made her time as Etro's champion seem extraordinarily short in comparison, and she felt every second of her 521 years. _They don't understand. I need room to breathe._ She blinked rapidly in a bid to force the tears back. The only thing she succeeded in doing was pushing them onto her cheeks where she swiped at them with a vicious growl.

 

Once she reached the cabin, her thoughts continued to spin dizzily in her mind like an out-of-control hamster's wheel. Putting groceries away and making a light dinner were not large enough distractions to grant her respite. Lightning barely managed to finish the small bowl of soup because of her cramping stomach. _Great, now I can add not eating to the list of things worrying Serah and the others_. She headed to the living room to watch TV. After half an hour spent flipping through channels, she gave up and decided to try for some sleep. Although it was barely 7 pm local time, her body told her it was closer to 3 am back home. _Maybe I can actually sleep tonight_.

 

Sleeping was something the ex-savior had difficulty with since being reborn. Even when she managed to fall asleep, the nightmares that followed guaranteed that she couldn't rest. _I don't have much choice. Maybe a change of scenery will be enough_. With that thought, she changed into her pajamas and settled into bed in the secondary bedroom. _No way am I dealing with reminders like that carpet. I'd rather deal with cold wood floors_. She hastily shook Hope's image from her mind again. In no time, she drifted off.

 

 

> ##### Begin Dream
> 
> _Lightning sat upon Etro's throne tied down by the Chaos. She'd long since given up the struggle for freedom. No one had come for her in the end. Abandoned by those she'd sacrificed so much to save, repeatedly placing her wants and desires second to their best interests and needs, she watched as they carried on with life as if she never existed._ It's best this way. _This belief no longer held the bitterness the Chaos bred within her heart at bay._ It's Valhalla all over again, only this time I have no one to fight. No one to blame. They were so willing to leap at the chance to save me before. **He** was so willing. Why not now? _Tears, useless in their futility, coursed unchecked down her cheeks._
> 
> ##### End Dream

 

Lightning tossed and turned on the bed, distress obvious in her clenching hands and agonized countenance as tears ran into her hairline. Her voice, a haggard whisper raspy with exhaustion and misery, broke the cabin's silence. "Hope?" Subconsciously, Lightning reached for a hand that was no longer there, the hand she willfully abandoned a day and a half ago when she boarded her flight. "Why? I need you." Her voice rose to a shout, "Help me!"

 

The sound of her voice woke her; the absence of her partner broke her. Curling into a ball, Claire Farron finally allowed tears to fall as sobs wracked her body.

 

### Villiers-Farron Residence, France

A sprawling white and yellow farmhouse nestled amongst green hills in the French countryside. The group of nine people, closer than family in many cases, slept mostly peacefully in the warm maple and bright white interior. Postcard perfect, the setting was everything the residents wanted in the new world. All but one.

 

Peeking through sheer curtains, pale moonlight begrudgingly made way for the first inklings of a new day. Equally pale silver hair reflected the strengthening light. In the grayness of dawn, Hope dreamed.

 

 

> ##### Begin Dream
> 
> _He gazed upon Lightning's prostrate form held down by cords the same color as the glow emanating from his hovering body. He was now completely and permanently merged with Bhunivelze, to_ _**her** _ _obvious dismay. Hope's rich tenor reverberated across the space between them as he descended. "I chose you to be my Goddess. We'd be together for eternity." His feet touched down upon the God of Light's crest near where she lay. His voice rose to a crescendo of pent-up anger and hurt as he approached her on foot. "How do you repay my esteem for you? You'd abandon me...AGAIN!"_
> 
>  
> 
> Cold sweat gleamed on Hope's skin where the bedding had been pushed aside by his restlessness. His eyelids alternately squeezed shut and fluttered as if trapped. His arms, lean muscles pulling and bunching in turn, reached for the woman he'd given everything to protect.
> 
>  
> 
> _She flinched at his last statement and shuddered as he placed his hands, so much smaller than they should be, on her cheeks and lifted her eyes to his. He knew the expression on his face was more appropriate to his 1014 year old soul than the 14 year old body he now possessed. He couldn't bring himself to care; Hope had no desire to change it._ She will **know** me. _His voice softened as he read her pain and despair. "It doesn't have to be this way, Light." His thumbs stroked her cheeks lovingly. "Join me, and we'll create a world Serah will be happy to be part of." He pressed his lips to hers chastely._ **Accept** me. _Tears, his and hers, blended where their lips touched._ Finally, we'll be **together**.
> 
> ##### End Dream

 

"LIGHT!" Hope sat up like a shot. His right hand reached into space for the broken woman in his dream while his left steadied his body after his sudden change in position. As he blinked the nightmare away, a knock sounded at his door.

 

"Hope! You ok in there, kid?" Fang's voice carried through the wood easily.

 

Shaking his head in protest of her current favorite title for him, he answered with practiced calm. "Yeah. Just a dream." His body shook in protest of that particular understatement. "Sorry if I woke you."

 

"No worries." Fang easily gave him a pass despite not being a morning person herself. His estrangement from Lightning over the last few days and the stress it engendered hadn't gone unnoticed apparently. "Get some sleep. We'll figure this out at a more decent hour, yeah?"

 

A disgruntled twist of the lips and a matching "Yeah" were all the answer he was capable of giving.

 

It was not uncommon since being reborn for Hope and Lightning to "feel" each other even at a distance. Hope's hypothesis regarding that phenomenon consisted of three parts, and everyone agreed it was the best explanation they were likely to get. They were both remade by Bhunivelze to serve as deities of the new world - Light as the new Goddess of Death, and Hope as Bhunivelze's own vessel. They were able to speak to each other in the place Lumina confirmed was Lightning's mind (or heart or soul, he wasn't quite sure and his opinion was biased on this point anyway) before she confronted and defeated the God of Light. They saved each other's souls; their bond made them the only ones in their group who could have done so. It all added up to the same conclusion: He **knew** she was hurting now. And there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it.

 

Nausea roiling in his gut and up into his throat were a good indication that sleep was no longer an option for the man. This wasn't the first time he'd dreamt of his time as Bhunivelze's pawn or of Lightning being defeated and replacing Etro in this world while he faded into the Chaos - forever separated from her. It **was** the first time he'd ever dreamt of himself merging with Bhunivelze. And Light in the position of submissive supplicant... **to him**?! A chill passed through his body and left the former leader of humanity a quivering mess inside. _**Never**_ _. Never,_ _ **ever**_ _would I want that for her. Never would I_ _ **do**_ _that to her._ Hope fought the urge to vomit as he rose swiftly from the bed.

 

His thoughts a whirlwind, Hope grabbed a change of clothes and headed into the adjoining shower. He turned the water up hot enough to generate a decent amount of steam hoping it would clear his head. _Light, why won't you talk to me?_ As he stood under the water, his thoughts drifted back to the argument instigated by Lightning's need to be alone and process everything that happened to her since their l'Cie days.

 

He knew it was coming for weeks but kept quiet hoping the elder Farron would confide in him before it reached boiling point. He thought if he gave her space, she'd be more willing to let him tag along. _Not the best idea I've ever had_. When she stated she was going to be away to an unknown location for an indeterminate amount of time, everyone's reactions were predictable. Even he felt a spurt of panic rise once he heard the word "alone" before he could beat it down. _I never expected her to leave me behind again_. And the old anxiety fueled their last two exchanges when he confronted her after Serah's initial meltdown and at the airport when he dropped Light off. _Why didn't I just leave it at "I'll see you when you get back?"_

 

 

> ##### Begin Flashback
> 
> Hope followed Lightning out to the gazebo Snow was building for Serah. The hullaballoo inside the house was still ongoing, and his partner wasn't the only one who needed to vacate the stifling atmosphere. He stood next to her as the silence settled around them. Eventually, he turned slightly toward her.
> 
>  
> 
> "Hey, Light." Hope waited for her acknowledgement then continued. "When were you going to tell me about this trip?"
> 
>  
> 
> Lightning gave him a flat look. "I just did."
> 
>  
> 
> Nonplussed, Hope simply stared back at her for a moment expecting her to add more. Gathering his thoughts again, he readied an arsenal of reasons why she needed to take him with her. She beat him to the punch.
> 
>  
> 
> "Look, Hope. I just...need to get away." Her eyes filled with unacknowledged tears and a vulnerability she hadn't displayed since they said their goodbyes on the Last Day. _She looks like she might shatter at a touch or if the wrong word is said_. In that moment, Hope decided to let her go for as long as she needed - after Serah got her to agree to some conditions he'd pitch to the younger Farron first.
> 
>  
> 
> Taking a deep breath she turned slightly away and tried to explain further. "I...don't know who I am any more. I don’t know what I should do. Everything is...different. Strange." Lightning gazed into the far distance. "I don't...fit the way I did before."
> 
>  
> 
> _You fit with me!_ Hope fought his fear back. He chose to take a conciliatory stance instead. "I get it, Light. Really." He took a shaky breath. He reached out and took her chin in one hand. Tipping her head up so she was looking at him again before releasing her, he asked, "Can I at least take you to the train station?"
> 
>  
> 
> Lightning's eyes widened. She was dumbfounded by whatever she saw in his expression. Tentatively she answered, "Actually, I'm thinking of going further than the train can take me."
> 
>  
> 
> Caught off guard again, Hope blinked at her a couple of times. "Oh-kay." He shook the disorientation off, his aggravation rising with his dread. "Where, exactly, are you thinking of going?" His voice became noticeably clipped. Lightning stiffened her posture; Hope ignored the warning.
> 
>  
> 
> Whatever feelings blindsided her seconds ago, they seemingly vanished as she continued in a much firmer voice. "North America. Maybe Australia. I haven't decided yet." Lightning turned fully toward him, squaring her posture against his. "I might even do a world tour. There are cruise ships that do that kind of thing for six months out of a year."
> 
>  
> 
> Hope barely stifled the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose in frustration; he closed his eyes as the terror of losing her resurfaced with a vengeance. He forgot his earlier decision to let her go for now in the face of overwhelming emotion and the oncoming confrontation. "Seriously, Lightning? You'd leave us for that long?" _Leave_ _ **me**_ _?!_ "And you don't even know where you'd go? Serah won't go for that, and you **know** it!"
> 
>  
> 
> "Last I checked, **Mr. Estheim** ," Lightning's hard voice and phrasing pulled Hope's attention from his internal conflict back to her, "I didn't **need** Serah's permission to do anythi-...." Much to her chagrin and fury, he cut her off.
> 
>  
> 
> Hope spoke quickly in an effort to get his point across. "I know you need to get away. That you need to figure things out. I get that. I don't have a problem with that." His volume increased with each sentence. "But to go off half-cocked?! You have to be kidding me!" Hard jade green eyes glared into equally hard aqua blue. "This is just like your personal war on the Sanctum after Serah crystallized." Lightning tried to refute his accusations. Hope spoke right over the top of her while counting each point on his fingers. "You **don't** know where you're going. You **don't** know how long you'll be gone. You **don't** know why you're leaving," he shot her a pointed look when she tried to counter his last point, "not really." His gaze softened into a pleading expression, "At least figure those parts out before you go."
> 
>  
> 
> That last statement and his slight back down seemed to defuse her irritation a bit, but only a bit. Lightning crossed her arms across her chest before turning away from him. She stomped three steps away, back rigid. Hope desperately searched for a means of dispelling the sudden animosity between them. _I get it; I do. I just...can't. I can't let her go without knowing she'll be ok. I have no room to breathe when she's gone._
> 
>  
> 
> Seconds later, Serah and the others walked into the suffocating, volatile silence between the two. In true Serah-fashion, she ignored the elephant in the gazebo to focus on what she could address. "Alright, Lightning. I'll back off, and so will everyone else," Serah levelled a Lightning-inspired glare at the rest of the group causing them all to nod, "as long as you agree to the following conditions. First, you have to take your phone. Second, you have to call me or Hope once a day. Third,..."
> 
>  
> 
> ##### Fast Forward Two Days -- En Route To The Airport In Paris
> 
> An awkward silence filled Hope's car as he drove Lightning to Paris for her flight. He was relieved she agreed to all of Serah's conditions, and he was particularly ecstatic when Serah told him on the sly that she'd added a tracking app to her sister's phone to alleviate her own misgivings. _At least_ _ **I'm**_ _not the stalker_. Her sister also insisted that Light either fly out of the regional airport or let Hope drive her to Paris. She didn't want Lightning alone on the long train trip to the capital, and she knew the others would drive the ex-soldier crazy. She was the only other option, but she'd burst into tears if she drove - further aggravating her sister. Lightning's acquiescence to this request and subsequent inability to find a regional flight to Paris that fit her schedule granted Hope his best chance to make amends before she left.
> 
>  
> 
> Trying to ease the lingering angst between them, Hope asked, "How long will you be gone?"
> 
>  
> 
> Lightning's impassive façade from the last two days remained. "The visa is good for six months."
> 
>  
> 
> _Well, that's a non-answer_. They lapsed back into silence. Another forty kilometers passed before Hope tried to thaw the ice again.
> 
>  
> 
> "You're staying in the Colorado Rockies, right?" Lightning hesitated before nodding slightly. Taking a deep breath, Hope continued, "Are you planning on doing any site seeing or skiing?" She took so long to answer he began to wonder if she'd ever speak to him normally again.
> 
>  
> 
> "I haven't decided yet." Another minute or two passed with her sitting stoically in the passenger seat while Hope apprehensively tapped the steering wheel. She finally relented enough to offer a bit more insight into her plans. "I might just go hiking or camping. It depends on the overnight temperatures and how much snow remains in the area."
> 
>  
> 
> "Hmmm. I'd think you were done with hiking and camping for a while." Both allowed the memories of the non-stop crises that culminated with their arrival in this world to roll over them. Hope continued, "Then again, there's a certain comfort in the familiar without the pressures that turned it...complicated."
> 
>  
> 
> Lightning glanced over before relaxing completely. With her usual bluntness and newly acquired candor, she changed the subject. "You know, I really appreciate your support in this." She glanced over at him. "I know this isn't easy for you. In a way, it's easier for Serah...." At this, she seemed to run out of words for what she wanted to say.
> 
>  
> 
> Hope smiled slightly before reaching out for her hand. "It's ok, and you're welcome. For the support, I mean." He squeezed her hand before releasing it. Hesitantly he continued, "And I'm sorry I fell to pieces on you a couple of days ago. That was **really** not how I wanted the conversation to go."
> 
>  
> 
> Softly, almost too quiet to hear, she agreed, "Yeah. Me, too." Hope relaxed into his seat mostly satisfied; that was probably as close to an apology as she was going to give for calling him "Mr. Estheim," at least for a while.
> 
>  
> 
> Several hours later, and with very little in the way of awkwardness, they arrived at Charles de Gaulle airport. Hope walked around to the trunk and pulled out Lightning's single piece of luggage. They'd agreed he'd drop her at the entrance instead of escorting her inside. No sense in him having to go through the rigmarole of security and red tape when he wasn't traveling.
> 
>  
> 
> He placed her suitcase at her feet and took a half-step back. "I guess this is it." _Damn it! This anxiety is going to be the death of me_. "I'll see you when you get back."
> 
>  
> 
> "Yeah. Let Serah know I'll call as soon as I land in Atlanta and again in Denver." Lightning bent down and picked up her bag. She turned to enter the airport.
> 
>  
> 
> Hope's hand reached out of its own volition to grasp hers much like he did in Palumpolum so many years ago. "Wait, Light!" When she turned to face him again, her shock over his actions was evident. "Please." He pulled her to him and placed a kiss on her cheek. Leaning his head against hers, he wrapped his arms around her waist with their hands still linked. "Please, be safe." He stepped away retaining her hand; Lightning stood immobile. "I know...I know you need this. I also know you're hurting." Lightning lifted her eyes to his, confusion swimming in her gaze. "Just...I need you to be safe." Hope reluctantly let her go and stepped further away. "So, please. Be safe." Feather light, he brushed a hand against her cheek. "For me."
> 
> ##### End Flashback

 

Hope's reverie was rudely interrupted when the water ran cold. He quickly turned the shower off and stepped out, drying himself and dressing in the button-up and jeans he'd grabbed on his way in. Drying his hair as best he was able with the damp towel, he stepped into the room Serah and Snow let him stay in. He heard someone pounding on his door again.

 

Snow's voice echoed through the door. "Hope! We got a problem. Serah wants to see you." Fang's yelling from down the hall boded ill for the large blond when she got her hands on him. Hope's heart dropped to his shoes. _What could have possibly gone wrong? She arrived safely in Atlanta_ _ **and**_ _in Denver._ He'd already resigned himself to poor sleep until Lightning returned. _I'll have an ulcer long before these six months are up._

 

"I'll be out in a minute," was all he said. He flung the towel onto the towel rack and ignored the haphazard 'style' his hair always fell into when damp. When he opened the door, Snow was already halfway down the hall after dodging Fang's boot. Hope followed as he fell into despondency. His mood plummeted further when he saw a nearly panicked Serah pressing keys on her phone repeatedly.

 

Serah hissed, "Pick up, Sis." She ended the call as Hope and the others entered the room. She selected the tracking icon on her phone to open it, typed in Lightning's phone number, and waited for the map to come up detailing her sister's exact location. When the map finally loaded, it was blank. Snow's hand intercepted Serah's in mid-throw; it was the only thing that saved her phone from pulverization. Serah shot her fiancé a nasty look that reminded everyone of her more volatile sibling. "Where is she? She promised to leave the app and her phone on!"

 

_Who knew she could resemble Light like that? She even_ _ **sounds**_ _like Light right now._ Hope was suitably impressed.

 

Snow was unphased as he took his fiancée's "Lightning Moment" in stride. "And y--," he quickly corrected himself, " **We** promised to back off. We didn't do a good enough job of it, and she probably turned the app off." Serah caught his slip but said nothing since he was **technically** correct.

 

"I don't care! She promised. Light never breaks her promises." The younger Farron's blue eyes appeared even bluer as tears filled them. Noel and Hope were no more impervious to this display of sadness and worry than Snow, albeit for very different reasons.

 

Snow wisely kept his mouth shut about Lightning's track record for keeping promises since she was pretty good about it after being reborn in the new world, and he didn't want to upset his favorite lady further. "Shall we go looking for her?" Noel and Fang nodded in solidarity with that idea while Hope was conspicuously silent. Just as Serah tried to answer, he spoke up.

 

"Hold that thought." Hope dodged around Yeul then squeezed between Vanille and Sazh with a hastily murmured "Excuse me." He half-jogged down the hall toward his room.

 

Sazh reached out to slow him down. "Now wait just a second, kid. Where you off to in such a hurry? If Serah's phone app won't work because Soldier Girl turned it or her phone off, what're you gonna do?"

 

Hope rounded on Sazh with an almost feral expression. _Seriously, Sazh?! This is half the reason she's not here!_

 

"She's not a **soldier** , Old Man. Not anymore!" Sazh held his hands up in a peace-making gesture while his eyebrows nearly rose into his hairline. With a deep breath, the Director of Academy Research, Team Alpha was on full display complete with a reticent demeanor and coolly composed voice. "As for me, I haven't been a **kid** for far longer than I care to think about." Hope spun on his heel and continued toward his room. "Now, **if** you'll excuse me, I'm getting my laptop to see what more processing power and this brain," he tapped his temple, "can figure out." _They just...They don't get it. They can't. Light and I are partners, completely and irrevocably. It's not a question of can or can't; there simply isn't any other choice. I'll find her._

 

Hope entered his room and closed his door carefully and with almost painful precision. An uncomfortable silence descended upon the group while everyone processed Hope's very atypical behavior.

 

"That went well." Vanille's chirpy voice broke the charged atmosphere.

 

"How do ya figure, Vanille?" The younger woman simply shrugged so Fang turned her attention to Sazh. The ex-huntress gave him a pointed look. "You know Sunshine'll have your head if he runs off, right?"

 

"How was I supposed to know he'd take it like that?" Sazh's bemusement was obvious to everyone. "The question needed to be asked; the tracking application is **off**. S'far as I know, there's no gettin' around that."

 

Noel spoke up at that point. "Yeah, but Sazh, if anyone can figure out how to find Lightning, Hope can."

 

Snow put his two cents worth in next. "Hope also has a point in that Light isn't a soldier, or anything else familiar to her, in this world. That's probably a big part of her problem." Everyone except Serah looked at him in surprise. "What? I'm not **completely** clueless, even when it comes to Lightning."

 

Serah snickered at him behind her hand. "It helps that we've talked about this, too."

 

"Heh." The large man shrugged bashfully. "It doesn't make it less true."

 

Yeul spoke into the silence startling everyone. Her avoidance of conflict was well-known, and everyone respected it on pain of Noel's displeasure. When she did step into tense situations it was always a surprise. "Perhaps we should leave Hope alone to figure this out."

 

Sazh countered Yeul's point. "He's in no condition to be left alone. We all know how he gets...got in the Old World, even as a kid. Do any of you," he pointed his finger individually at each person, "really think **that's** changed?" No one met his eyes except Yeul.

 

"That's exactly why we need to be supportive without being confrontational." Yeul approached the older man and carefully set her hand in the crook of his elbow keeping his attention. "We all have ties to each other. It's how we found each other, remembered each other so we could be found, in this world." Emerald green eyes older than the girl's apparent years gazed at each of them in turn. "We each have ties stronger than the rest to one other person." Melancholy muddied the bright green. "Hope and Lightning have stronger bonds than the rest of us because of... **Him**...and the last thirteen days." She dropped her hand and took a step back into Noel's near-embrace. "Telling either of them to avoid each other or their needs in any way is like telling them to stop breathing." Her gaze turned piercing. "They can't do it **and** continue living."

 

##### Several Hours Later

"Come on, Light. Call." Hope finished the last bits of code on the stealth tracking app he created in the hours since he left the others in the dining room. _I guess I_ _ **am**_ _the stalker._ A scowl appeared as he was reminded of last night's nightmare. _**Never!**_ _I'll_ _never_ _hurt her. She's hurting and needs me...us_. He shook his head just as his phone rang. He waited for Lightning's number to appear on the caller ID before he picked up.

 

"Hey, Light." A more natural smile replaced the scowl as they continued speaking. "Yeah. Serah wasn't pleased." Hope chuckled at the disgruntled grousing coming from his companion. "No. I think you're safe from an imminent Snow and Fang invasion. At least for now."

 

He looked over at the code on his laptop. _It's now or never._ He saved the program on an SD memory card and removed it from his laptop. "Hey, Light? Can you hold on for a sec, please?" At her query, Hope quickly reassured her, "No. It's nothing major. Just something going on with my phone, and I don't want to drop the call....'Kay. Thanks." He inserted the SD card into his phone and selected the appropriate icon on his phone then selected the memory drive's icon before resuming the conversation.

 

"So, how's America?" _Just a few more seconds, and it will have transferred over. Then, when she hangs up, it will install automatically._ Hope shook off his guilt. _Sorry, Light._ "Is it really going to be that cold?" He shuddered in sympathy at the subzero wind chills Lightning told him her area was expecting. "So what you're saying is you're **not** going camping or hiking any time soon." A pause followed by a robust chuckle was heard down the hallway as he opened his door; it drew the others' attention since it's a sound they haven't heard from the young man in a very long time, if ever. "Right. In what? I don't think Vanille has that bear skin anymore." The researcher spluttered incredulously, "A yeti skin?"

 

Hope walked out of his room and turned toward the back yard intending to carry on the conversation outside in the gazebo. "No. I don't doubt you could skin a yeti if they exist. I just don't think they do." He shook his head with a large smile cracking his face in two. "Well, if you find one, I want first dibs on hair and skin samples." He stepped outside the door into the yard. "Hey! I'll have you know it's for science." Shaking his head, he continued. "Seriously! How else am I supposed to get credit for discovering a new species if I can't prove the genetic code is different from a bear's or something?"

 

Snow and Serah were enjoying a cup of tea on the patio as Hope walked by. They lifted their hands in greeting, and Hope returned the gesture. He nearly tripped with a gulp and wide-eyed shock. "No! NO! That's not what I meant." He stopped dead with furrowed brows. "Of course I'll credit you with the find. It's just...face it, Light, you don't know anything about genetic decoding and such."

 

"Wha-?! How did pointing out you're not a science geek mean I don't think you're smart?!" Snow spat his tea all over his lap in an effort to keep the fluid out of his nose while Serah covered her giggles behind her hand. Hope glared at them both. As Lightning continued, he began to whine. "Now I'm back to being Mr. Estheim?" Loud guffaws were heard over the phone. "Light!" Serah smiled at the banter between the two on the phone. It had been lifetimes since she last heard her sister truly laugh.

 

"Alright Little Miss Sunshine." Hope grinned wide at his ex-mentor's response. "Dangerous ground, huh? Well, it's not like I haven't been there before." Another pause. "Yeah, I know. It's really brave when you're half a world away." His shoulders drooped at the reminder of the distance between them. _When are you coming home, Light?_

 

"Yeah. I'll talk to you later." Forcing a bit more cheer into his monotonous response, Hope did his best to let Lightning go without any emotional baggage from him. "I'll tell Serah and the others you said 'Hi.' Deal?" Taking a deep breath, Hope dared ask for the one thing he needed for his own piece of mind and so his tracking app would work. "Hey, Light. Do me a favor, would you?" At her acquiescence he continued, "Keep your phone on this time. You promised before you left with no conditions." He nodded as she explained why she'd turned the phone off in the first place. "Yes. I know. I think your point's made, though. I doubt Serah will call you as long as you keep your phone on for emergencies and call one of us at least once a day." Hope's gaze focused on the horizon where the late afternoon sun painted the landscape gold. "Take care, Light. We'll see you when you get home."

 

Hope disconnected the call as he stared into eternity. _I miss you, Lightning_.

 

### Colorado Rockies

_...See you when you get home_. Lightning's smile faded to a shadow of itself. Hope's last statement echoed in her mind. "I don't know when that will be, Hope." She gave passing notice to the "Installing Updates" screen on her phone. _Figures. Still, if Hope can keep Serah away from the guilt trips, I'll keep the phone on_.

 

The mid-morning light, tinted green by the surrounding trees, streamed in through the eastern facing windows. The kitchen was less than inviting, although the woman's stomach was insistent about investigating the breakfast possibilities anyway. She quietly snapped, "No one asked you," as her stomach growled. Biology wouldn't be denied however; another, louder, growl followed the first. "Tch. Fine." She shuffled into the torturous kitchen environs in the pink bunny slippers Serah bought her shortly after they found each other. Breakfast options were narrowed down to something quick and easy - a bowl of cereal and milk.

 

_Not sure I want coffee after the dreams last night_. After finishing her meal and the cleanup, Lightning went to dress for a quick hike around the area before the cold moved in. _Not looking forward to the frigid weather, either. Should probably pick up some wood for the wood burning stove just in case the power goes out_. Throwing a fleece-lined jacket over her flannel shirt, jeans, and boots, she was ready to leave.

 

A smile graced her lips when she stepped outside into the chill wind. "Yeti skins. Please. Fleece works better and probably stinks less." Light shook her head as she reminisced about Hope's antics on the phone forty-five minutes before. She looked at her watch and saw it was nearly 10 am. _Better go pick up that wood. The cold is supposed to move in by 2 pm this afternoon._

 

With a determined step, she passed the little car she rented at the airport and headed down the road. _There's a small general store with some wood for sale down here about half a kilometer, mile, whatever they use to measure distance around here_. Lightning shook her head at the oddness of Americans. _Hopefully, my English is clear enough I don't have to resort to pantomime_. Shrugging that concern off as something she'll address later if necessary, she continued on. She reached the store about twenty minutes later. The small bell hung over the door rang as she entered.

 

"Hello? I'll be right there." The friendly voice was quickly followed by a middle aged woman stepping out of the back. "Ah, there you are! How can I help you?" Her name tag gave her name and position: Owner/Manager, Erin.

 

Lightning stared at the proprietress for a moment processing the woman's relatively rapid speech. "Sorry. I need to buy some wood."

 

"Of course. How many cord do you need, dear?" A glance out the windows showed the absence of a vehicle. "We'll deliver if you need it. That'll cost an extra five dollars if you're within a two mile radius and an extra ten dollars for every ten miles after that. Per load."

 

"Um. How many cord would you recommend if this storm causes a power outage?" Lightning focused on her purpose and paid particular attention to her annunciation.

 

Unperturbed by her customer's speech pattern, Erin answered, "Oh, probably not that much. These storms tend to blow in and out over a few days. Perhaps a half cord if you're staying in one of the cabins up the road, half pine and half oak, all well-seasoned. That should get you through for however long you're visiting." She smiled in reassurance.

 

"Let's do that, then." Lightning pulled her Visa card to pay. The transaction went smoothly. "Will the wood be delivered in time to beat the storm this afternoon?"

 

"Yes. My son, Ethan, will load and deliver the wood by 1 pm. Does that work for you?" Erin's friendly smile remained in the face of Lightning's brusqueness.

 

"That will be fine. Thank you." Lightning took her receipt and filled out the delivery form. "I'll be there soon so any time after 12 pm will be fine."

 

"We'll see you then, Ms. Farron. Have a good day."

 

With a brisk nod, Lightning walked out into the rapidly plunging temperatures. _Well, that went better than I thought it would_. She pulled her jacket closer around herself and zipped it up. Heavy, gray clouds moved in while she was in the store. _It got cold faster than I expected, too. So much for a quick hike_. Rapidly she returned to the cabin to prep the stove and find storage space.

 

Fortunately, there was a shed near her cabin that held some wood from earlier in the season. "I guess the wood can go here, then." She inspected the wood stove straddling the wall between the master bedroom and the living room. "Lovely. If the power goes out, I'll be sleeping amongst a vivid reminder." She glared peevishly at the sea green carpet. "Nothing to be done for it."

 

While she waited for the store manager's son to arrive, she pulled some of the older wood from the shed and set it up in the stove. By the time she finished, the clock in the living room showed 11:30 am. The wind picked up and the first snow flurries began to fall. She decided to light the stove as she settled in to wait for her delivery.

 

Ethan delivered the wood a bit early; he pulled in to the driveway at about 12:08 pm. Not one given to much chatter, especially with the storm moving in and other deliveries to make, he followed Lightning's directions to store the wood in the shed and quickly left. The ex-soldier closed and locked the door behind her and planted herself on the couch in front of the television like she did the night before.

The warmth and scent lulled her to sleep.

 

 

> ##### Begin Dream
> 
> _The wilds of Gran Pulse were everything Fang and Vanille said they were, and some things they failed to mention._ Like those flappy, fishy, sahagin, things _. Lightning was on watch while the others huddled sleeping around their well-screened fire. She'd broadened her patrol perimeter down to the stream contrary to Fang's advice because of a ruckus in that direction; it was too close to camp for her comfort. It was their first full night on the Steppe, and everyone was jumpy. Lightning more than most._ Stupid orobon and ceratosaurs just **had** to argue over a late night snack tonight of all nights. _A self-satisfied smirk appeared_ . Well, they won't be hunting around **here** any time soon.
> 
>  
> 
> _She approached camp picking water plants off her hair and from her uniform._ How did **that** get **there** ? _Her internal grumbling was interrupted when the wind shifted. It brought the scent of smoldering wet wood to her attention. Instincts taking over, the soldier crouched down to diminish her silhouette in case something was looking and gripped her gunblade firmly. She drew and extended the weapon in a single, smooth motion._
> 
>  
> 
> _A set of boulders lay between her and camp._ Where's the firelight? I should be able to see it by now. _Light stealthily circled the rocks. Peering around the last one's edge, devastation greeted her._
> 
>  
> 
> _The campsite was a mess. Wood was scattered around the sodden landscape, inky smoke still rising from some pieces. What few supplies they'd managed to gather before nightfall were nowhere to be seen. Even their makeshift bedrolls were nothing more than waterlogged and singed scraps._ How did I **not** hear or see this?! _Training kept the horror in check, but nothing except finding each of her companions alive and well would address her shame at failing to protect them._ They can be angry with me; they have every right. Just...be ok.
> 
>  
> 
> _Her eyes surveyed the scene before her._ No bodies, that's good _. Hearing nothing, she stepped further into the remnants of the clearing. She carefully approached the fire pit and began unraveling what happened._
> 
>  
> 
> Right. There's some ozone smell still in the air, and that singe pattern looks like one of Hope's thundaga spells more than a firaga spell. It's too large to be anything less than a -ga spell so they needed a lot of firepower. Because of many enemies or a smaller number of powerful enemies? _She circled out from the ruins of their fire._ Not much in the way of tracks. Plenty of water magic to go around, though; that probably washed away any tracks or evidence of ice magic that would've been left. I can't tell if they or their attackers used it. _A grimace settled on her face._ Hmmph. At least thunder and fire leave singe marks, and each of us has our own patterns. I can see Vanille's and Sazh's marks, too. Were they attacked from the air or was there just that much water used? The entire site is drenched!
> 
>  
> 
> _Movement from within the boulders' shadow caught her eye. Spinning in a low crouch, Lightning shifted her blade into gun mode and aimed - ready to fire. Squinting, she barely made out a small form. She cautiously stepped closer. A glint of silver followed by a soft voice gasping "Light!" identified the figure as Hope's. Quickly, ignoring the rest of the mess, she approached him._
> 
>  
> 
> _Water, earth, and blood muddied the boy nearly beyond recognition. "Hope! Hold on!" Lightning readied as many cure spells as her limited healing potential allowed. Kneeling beside him, she looked him over to find the worst of the wounds. Her field medicine training told her all she needed to know. Even magic couldn't save him. She cast the magic anyway. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't... I should've..."_
> 
>  
> 
> _Hope reached up and weakly clasped her hand, stopping her casting. "Light...save...strength." Whistling pants escaped him, tearing at her heart in the process. "Others...near." His eyes dimmed as his hand fell limp. The bright light that prodded then guided her since before their confrontation with Odin vanished from this world._
> 
>  
> 
> _And it was all her fault._
> 
> ##### End Dream

 

Lightning's eyes snapped open as she drew a shuddering breath. _Why? Why am I dreaming of losing him? Them? We're all together._ A firm blink allowed the pent up tears to escape. She gently wiped them away and sat up. _This isn't how this life is supposed to be_. In a surge of rage, her calm façade shattered; she took the decorative pillow behind her and threw it across the room. "This isn't how it's supposed to be!"

 

Her shout acting like a catalyst, Lightning launched herself from the couch and into the kitchen. She yanked open a drawer and reached for a knife and cutting board. Pulling open the refrigerator, she gathered some vegetables and meat for cutting. Violently wielding the knife as if it was her gunblade and the food was a behemoth in the Old World, her efforts to channel the unexpected ferocity of her emotions into something constructive were only partially successful.

 

Her vision kept blurring from her tears, and her lungs huffed like a bellows. "I don't...under...stand this!" She swept the back of her wrist across her eyes so she could see again. "I'm a...soldier...damn it!" She continued to talk to herself trying to figure out why she left home to begin with. "I'm a...protector!...His and...Serah's!"

 

In another fit of anger she chucked the knife into the wall across from her. "I don't...I can't...I'd never..." Sinking to her knees, Lightning huddled in on herself protectively. Without noticing her hands pulling at her hair, her thoughts continued their chaotic run between self-protective declarations and self-recriminations. _I'd never abandon him...I did. In the Vile Peaks. I summoned Odin...I didn't leave him to die...I withdrew into crystal. Left him to Bhunivelze...I wouldn't...I left him. Went to Valhalla. Chose to stay...I couldn't...I almost didn't make it...I promised to protect him...He died, repeatedly. In so many timelines...._

 

For the first time in the imperturbable woman's very long life, she saw no way out. With that realization, panic set in.

 

### Villiers-Farron Residence, France

Everyone noticed Hope's distraction at dinner. He and Sazh made amends for their earlier verbal tussle, but it wasn't enough to alleviate whatever was bothering the younger man. He barely touched the meal Serah prepared, and he was uncharacteristically withdrawn and fidgety even considering Lightning's absence. Not that anyone mentioned it. After clearing and wiping down the table, he went outside to the gazebo.

 

Five pairs of eyes watched him leave through the backdoor. Fang, Noel, and Vanille exchanged concerned glances. Sazh simply held Dajh close. Serah and Snow were in the kitchen finishing the cleanup while Yeul put the leftovers away. None knew quite what to say without risking the situation worsening.

 

"Daddy. Why's Hope so sad?" Dajh picked up quickly on Hope's melancholy. Naturally empathetic, he focused in on the most likely cause. "Is it because Miss Lightning's not here?"

 

"Somethin' like that, Dajh." Sazh squeezed his son a bit closer. _Leave it to the kids to hit the nail on the head._

 

"She'll be home soon, right?" Dajh wriggled in his father's arms until they were facing each other. Seeing his father's downcast expression, he continued, "Or Hope could go where she is. Miss Lightning would like that, I think."

 

Sazh didn't agree, but he wasn't going to tell his son that. _Ms. Soldier isn't one for close relationships even now._ Instead he said, "That's something for Lightnin' and Hope to decide. Understood?"

 

Dajh gave his usual sweet smile. "Okay, Daddy." He snuggled into the safety of his father's hug.

 

Unbeknownst to the Katzroys, Dajh's innocent suggestion started the wheels turning in one of their companion's heads.

 

##### Outside Thirty Minutes Later

_This is becoming my refuge, and it's not even finished yet._ Even that acerbic thought couldn't distract Hope from his internal disquiet. He felt impatient and hyper-alert, but there was no objective reason to be. He could only assume it was related to Lightning, and that he could feel it because of their unique connection. It had been building weeks before she announced she was leaving, and it came to a head once she actually left. _What's happening with you, Light? What's going on?_

 

He pulled his phone from his jacket pocket and checked his tracking app. _She's still there, hasn't moved more than a few kilometers all day_. He thumbed over the screen to give her back what privacy he could. A creak of footsteps on wood drew his attention behind him. "You two really should say something when sneaking up on someone, you know." He turned to face Vanille and Noel.

 

Vanille flashed her trademark grin, the crooked one that said 'I'm uncomfortable and trying to hide it because this is important.' With her typical innocence she said, "Heya, Hope. Why are you out here?" Noel nearly facepalmed. Hope, used to her mannerisms, smiled a bit.

 

"I'm just checking a few things." Hope placed his phone in his jacket pocket. _I really don't want to get into this._ "Did you two come out to enjoy the stars, too?" He turned to gaze into the darkened sky.

 

"Actually," Noel braced himself for a confrontation, "we came out to see how you were doing."

 

Hope became preternaturally still, even his expression falling into a stoic mask. "I'm fine." Inside, his emotions started to churn. _We're_ _**so** _ _not getting into this._

 

Noel and Vanille exchanged glances. She shrugged in acquiescence of however he chose to proceed; he fought back a wave of frustration before facing his friend again. "Look, Hope. We know you're having a...rough time of it right now."

 

Turning toward his concerned companions, Hope quirked an eyebrow at the massive understatement. "Whatever gave you that idea?" Sarcasm wasn't particularly helpful, but it **was** an outlet. _I'll take what small mercies I can get._ He watched as Fang and Snow walked up behind Vanille and Noel. _Next thing I know, Yeul and Dajh will come check up on me._

 

Noel continued unperturbed. "It's not like you to be this...this...jittery, I guess." The teen struggled to explain his concerns. "You've always been composed. You've rolled with the punches. Today you've been high-strung. Jumpy."

 

Fang took that opportunity to butt in. "The kid's right. You're antsy about something, Hope. We're just worried you might jump ahead of yourself." Compassion lightened her eyes. More than most, she understood leaving your partner because you couldn't do anything else.

 

Normally calm and bright, his eyes darkened several shades to the green of a storm-tossed sea as his emotional turmoil acquired a savage edge. Hope pinched the bridge of his nose trying to negate the explosion he could feel coming. "I really don't want to get into this. Certainly not tonight."

 

Snow approached and placed his hand on Hope's shoulder; it was all Hope could do not to knock the encouraging man's hand away. "If not now, when? You gotta do something, right?" Hope looked up waiting. "Just go to her. She'll be hap...." That was the final well-intentioned straw Hope could tolerate tonight.

 

"Happy to see me?! Is that what you were going to say, Snow?" Hope yanked his shoulder away from the larger man's grip. "No. She won't. Because even if she needs me as much as I need her, **she** has to realize that before I can help her." The smaller man spun away and paced to the gazebo's partially completed half-wall. "And she'll fight me tooth and claw if I approach before she realizes it." Placing his hands on the balustrade, he looked down hiding his face from the others. Worse in his friends' opinion, he seethed, whitened knuckles a testament to just how questionable his control was.

 

Hope broke the uncomfortable silence his previous words left. "Do you have any idea what it's like? I **know** she's hurting. It's been like champagne bursting unpleasantly beneath my skin for weeks." He turned his face up toward the stars winking in the velvet sky. Sounding lost, he continued, "Now? Since she left? It's like small blades pricking at me." He trembled at the shadows of memory his words evoked. "And today? It's like razor blades running up and down my body." His confession was met with awkward silence and feet shuffling.

 

Regaining his composure, Hope turned to face his friends. Struggling to defuse the mood, he said, "Look, guys. Uh, thanks for your concern. Really." Sighing, he stepped around them. "I think I'll just go to bed. See you tomorrow." Unconsciously he clenched his hands at his sides as he walked away. _This isn't how this life is supposed to be._

 

"I guess Yeul was right. There **is** something different between Hope and Lightning." Sazh's voice carried from the side of the yard after Hope re-entered the house.

 

Frustrated at his inability to help the man he respected above most, Snow snarled, "I guess we'll have to trust they won't destroy themselves or each other because of it." The others dispersed into their respective nightly routines with that less than promising wish in mind.

 

##### Several Hours Later

Finally settling into a fitful sleep well after midnight, Hope dreamt of l'Cie days and desperate fears.

 

 

> ##### Begin Dream
> 
> _"Light! Wait up!" His legs were giving out, and he was falling behind. "Lightning!"_ Why won't she answer me? _Hope put on a burst of speed to no avail. Despite the Steppe sweeping away around him in a blur, he just couldn't keep up. He stopped to catch his breath._ Just a second or three, then I'll start again. _He kept his eyes glued to where he last saw his best friend._
> 
>  
> 
> _A thundara spell suddenly lit the sky; it was closely followed by the rapid firing of a gunblade. This galvanized Hope into action like little else could. "Lightning!"_ She has to be ok. Fang's with her, right? _His concern grew when he realized he couldn't remember if Light was on her own or not. He took off at full speed._
> 
>  
> 
> _As the adolescent approached the edge of the gorge the spells and gunfire came from, he dropped to his hands and knees._ Just like she showed me. Stay low. Stay quiet. My size is my best advantage right now. _He peeked over the edge. The carnage brought bile sweeping up his throat. He managed to swallow it down, barely._ Where's Light? _Just as he began to worry he'd lost her again, he saw the flutter of a crimson cape below him._ There she is.
> 
>  
> 
> _Not wasting another second, Hope clambered down the cliff side._ Thankfully, it's angled so it wasn't that difficult. _Once he reached the bottom, he surveyed the area again._ Good. Nothing's here. _He stumbled over an ugallu carcass._ Well, nothing living anyway. Light doesn't leave much behind. _His lips twitched in amused pride for his mentor despite the grotesqueness of the situation. He crept to where he saw the soldier last. When he reached her, his world was annihilated._
> 
>  
> 
> _"What?!" Eyes, now a flat steel gray, stared sightlessly into the sky. Hope held a quivering hand up to the woman's cheek. "Light?" Tears spilled as he registered the unnatural coolness of her skin. "Lightning? Please. Not you." He shook her gently, then roughly. Blood coated her from head to toe. Looking over the area, Hope realized she must've stumbled upon a few packs of what passed as wild dogs on the Steppe. "Where was Fang? Why didn't you wait for me?" His questions remained unanswered._
> 
>  
> 
> _Hope looked up when he heard growling from his left. Three gorgonopsids had managed to avoid Lightning's slaughter of their kin. He closed his eyes in resignation and acceptance as they hunkered down and leapt for him._
> 
>  
> 
> _A world without Light was one he didn't want to be in._
> 
> ##### End Dream

 

Hope jerked awake. Hands clenched to his chest over his heart, and tears soaked his pillow. Gasping for air, he sat up and wrapped his arms around his lean torso. The action did little to calm his breathing. He reached for his jacket and pulled his phone from the pocket.  
  
_Please be alright, Light. Be in that damn cabin_. He unlocked the screen and immediately went for his tracking app. The map showed her current location, still in the cabin. Hope's breathing eased somewhat. He flopped back on the mattress dropping his phone in the process. The feeling of something just under his skin continued. It was more subdued than at dinner, but it was still noticeable.

 

With a suddenness reminiscent of his days as Academy Director, Hope reached for his phone. He bought airline tickets for the next available flight that afternoon leaving Paris for the States. _Snow's right. We can't keep going on like this._ Decision made, he grabbed a blue duffel bag and began packing. Once he had a few days worth of clothes in the bag, he double checked his ID and passport and got up for the day. Glancing out the window he realized the sun had yet to rise. _It's going to be a long wait. I'll be there tonight, Light._

 

"Now. To tell everyone else I'm leaving." With a lighter step than he'd had in weeks, the young man stepped out of his room. He set his bag in the living room next to the front door before turning around and heading out the back. Hope watched the sun rise from the gazebo. _This place really is my haven away from Light._

 

### Colorado Rockies

Blearily, the young woman regained consciousness. _What? What happened?_ Her eyes felt sandpaper dry. She reached up to rub the grit away only to come away with wet fingertips. Her head ached. Pulling herself to a sitting position, Lightning surveyed the mess in the kitchen. "What am I doing on the floor?" Slowly her memories returned to her.

 

_Right. I completely lost it because of a dream._ The hot laceration that thought dug into her heart countered the minimizing effect the words would normally have. She quickly lifted her hand to her chest. _This can't...I can't keep..._ She shook her head to clear the lingering cobwebs. "Just focus on what you can do something about. Everything else will have to wait."

 

She stood leaning heavily on the counter. The clock showed 3:12 pm, over an hour passed the time she stormed into the kitchen. She threw away the food she left out. Then she carefully prepped some more. Scooping the meat and vegetables into a pot, she put it on the stove for stew. As she turned away, an object glinted in the wall. _Great. The knife._ She washed her hands then removed the sharp object from its impromptu resting place. _Need to repair that or pay extra. Hmmph._

 

Gazing at the knife in fascination, Lightning contemplated the root of her current predicament. "Some savior I turned out to be. I can save the world, but I can't save myself. I can't be around the person most important to me without turning into a complete idiot or running away." She carefully wiped the blade down and put it away. "Nothing's simple anymore, is it?"

 

The TV proved a welcome distraction while she waited for her stew to finish. _Should probably call Serah._ Lightning shook her head at the thought. _No. The last thing I want to deal with right now is my sister's perceptive and oh-so-persistent questions about how I'm doing or when I'm coming home._ Faster than she thought possible, the afternoon flew by, and it was time for dinner.

 

Still preoccupied with **not** thinking about the panic attack and her subsequent loss of control earlier that afternoon, the young woman focused on immediate needs and routine. She cleaned up the dishes and stove and put the little bit of leftover stew into the fridge. Then she went outside and grabbed some wood for the night because, despite the nightmare the wood smoke triggered, it was very comforting. By that time, it was well after sundown. _I'll patch the wall tomorrow._

 

She went into the master bedroom and curled up in the middle of the bed. _Silly that the color of the carpet should make me feel closer to him._ The room was extra toasty thanks to the stove. She watched the snow fall outside the window. Slowly, imperceptibly, sleep overtook her. Again, she dreamed.

 

 

> ##### Begin Dream
> 
> _Serah's and Hope's crystallized forms served as the focal point of New Bodhum's central garden. Snow placed them there with Rygdea's help and Bartholomew's permission after Cocoon fell four years before. NORA House sat directly behind the garden looking out to sea. Lightning, who was never pulled into Valhalla, refused to go anywhere near the garden. Instead, she'd moved to the settlement below Cocoon to get away. Snow and the others didn't understand her avoidance of the area. Serah was her sister, and everyone knew how close she and Hope had become during the weeks between the Purge and the Fall._ They can't understand. They all have someone or something to hold on to. _Lightning, now a Lieutenant in the post-Fall military service, found herself in New Bodhum for a conference. The brass felt the casual air would be good for morale._
> 
>  
> 
> _Her resignation letter in-hand, she wandered the garden paths looking for Captain Amodar. She stumbled around an over-grown bush and came face-to-face with Serah and Hope. Lightning came to an abrupt stop._ I've lost everything. _After a moment of stunned silence, her feet moved of their own accord, slowly shuffling closer to the two most important people in her life._ I tried. I tried to save you. I've done all I can. _As far as she was concerned, they were now as good as dead with no fal'Cie to awaken them and a goddess who seemed uncaring of their plight now that two worlds no longer hung in the balance._
> 
>  
> 
> _Shakily, she lifted her hands - one toward Serah, the other toward Hope. Grasping their crystalline hands as best she was able, she held back the tears she had refused to shed over the past four years. For the first time since her own awakening, she spoke to them. "I've truly become Lightning. Without you, I have no purpose." She leaned over Serah's crystal and kissed her sister's brow. "Without you to guide and protect, I can't be Light." She stood on tip-toe, steadying herself on Hope's crystal before placing a soft kiss on his cheek. Her goodbyes said, her heart shattered into irreparable shards. Lightning continued her search for her old commander._ I'm truly alone now. _The darkness of her failure consumed her_.
> 
> ##### End Dream

 

"Don't leave me alone!" The rose-haired woman sat up quaking. Her breath rushed in and out of her lungs. The hyperventilating left her light-headed and headachy. _Again?!_ Lightning placed her head in her hands and let the tears flow. _I can't do this._ She slowly lay back down. Curled in a fetal position she bore silent witness to the passing of night into day. _What am I going to do?_

 

### British Airways Flight 368 -- En Route From London To Denver

_That went better than I expected._ Hope sat back in his seat after stowing his carry-on bag in the overhead bin. Another twelve hours, and he should be landing in Denver if the weather cooperated. _Forgot about that snow storm Light told me about._ Even with the promise of cold weather to greet him, he was eagerly looking forward to the flight. Before placing his phone on flight mode, he double checked his tracking app. Lightning remained in place. "Wait for me."

 

Hope stared out the window ignoring the other passengers finding their seats around him.

 

 

> ##### Flashback
> 
> "I thought you said there was no point in goin' after her." Sazh was getting whiplash with the way Hope and Lightning were behaving over the last weeks, and his frustration was beginning to show. "That **is** what you told Snow last night. Ain't it?"
> 
>  
> 
> "Yeah, I know, Sazh." Hope nearly growled. He had expected questions; he hadn't expected to be raked across coals. "Wonder of wonders, I was wrong. Or if not wrong, going after her is more right than sitting here waiting for I don't know what." Always prone to speaking with his hands, Hope's nervous energy made his gesticulations even more animated and broad than usual. Fang gently pulled Vanille out of range with a pointed glare for the man. Hope smiled in apology.
> 
>  
> 
> Snow stepped in before Sazh and Hope could go nose-to-nose again. "It doesn't matter when Hope decided to go after Sis. The important thing is he's made his choice and is ready to go." He clapped the other man on the shoulder. "I say we send him on his way with a good luck." The older man snickered a little. "He just might need it."
> 
>  
> 
> Serah poked her fiancé in the ribs - hard. "That's enough out of you." Snow playfully grunted and rubbed his side. Ignoring his antics, she turned to Hope. "As for you... A moping Hope is not something I want to see in this house again. Understood?" Hope sheepishly nodded. "Then, let us know when you land and when you get there."
> 
>  
> 
> That was everyone's cue to gather around for hugs and well wishes. He may have been the leader of civilization in the Old World, but in this house he was family. And in this world, Hope Estheim had to follow the same rules as everyone else. And he was still short a visitor's visa.
> 
> ##### End Flashback

 

Turbulence pulled Hope out of his memories. _Good thing Snow's still in contact with Lebreau, and she was owed a favor by that bureaucrat in the US' Parisian consulate. Otherwise I'd be stuck in France or the UK for another couple of weeks._ He rubbed at his arms as if that simple act could remove the skittering sensation under his skin. _There's another hour and a half drive once we land._

 

Hope looked around. Thankfully, the seats surrounding him were empty. _Better get some sleep while I can._ He stopped a flight attendant and requested a pillow and blanket. He then settled in for a nap.

 

 

> ##### Begin Dream
> 
> _Everything was silent and dark. He couldn't even feel air moving past his lips as he breathed._ Do I breathe? _He couldn't remember who he was, let alone where he was. All he knew was he needed to wake up sooner rather than later. Someone was nearby; someone dear to him. And that someone needed him desperately._
> 
>  
> 
> _A scintillating, white light flashed over his skin blinding him. He felt air brush over his body._ Am I nude? _Then he took a breath. His relief grew as he felt familiar clothes cover him. Gentle energy crackled over his skin. The sound of crystal shattering softly accompanied him being laid on the ground by immaterial arms._ Mom? Is that... _"...you?"_
> 
>  
> 
> _Hope sat up groggily._ A garden? What am I doing in a garden? _He looked over and saw Serah's crystal next to him. He stood and brushed his clothes off. He noticed footprints in the earth near Serah's crystal and what he could only presume was his crystal's resting place._ Wait. I **know** those prints.
> 
>  
> 
> _"Lightning! Where are you?" He followed her tracks through the garden and into the town proper. In the strange ways of dreams, when he stepped onto the beach, Hope shifted from his adolescent self into his adult self. He stopped the nearest uniformed soldier._ Wow, there're a lot here. More than I'd expect for this sized town.
> 
>  
> 
> _"Excuse me. Can you direct me to Sgt. Farron?"_
> 
>  
> 
> _The person he stopped looked at him incredulously. "Lightning Farron?" Hope mutely nodded. "She resigned this morning and left. I don't know where she is."_
> 
>  
> 
> _Hope stood shell-shocked._ Light, where are you? Why didn't you wait for me.
> 
> ##### End Dream

 

Hope's head hit the window with a _thunk_ as he woke. _Ow_. He quickly took stock of where he was and the time. He decided sleep was **not** on his list of things to do right now. _I slept over four hours?_ When the flight attendant came back by offering refreshments, he requested coffee. _Need to wake up and stay awake._

 

He stood and reached into his bag. Pulling out the book he bought at the airport, he opted to read. _At least I have something to do. Well other than worry about these dreams and Lightning, anyway._ Suitably distracted, the rest of the flight was uneventful.

 

### Ten Hours Later -- Outside Lightning's Cabin

Phone out and tracking application on, Hope meandered through the cabins looking for Lightning's. The frigid air whitened his breath and caused him to shiver. _Guess this thing isn't as accurate as I thought._ The indicator showed he was in the right place, but it wasn't sensitive enough to pinpoint which cabin she was staying in of the five he was looking at. _She said she was staying in_ _ **a**_ _cabin_ _ **in**_ _the woods, not in a_ _ **cluster**_ _of cabins_ _ **near**_ _the woods._

 

Two had smoke lazily rising into the air from chimneys. One had lights on as dawn brightened into full daylight. _I'm not quite desperate enough to peek in windows._ A forceful breath more akin to a sigh than a chuckle burst forth. _Not yet, anyway_.

 

Not ready to give up, Hope dug through his memories of the days before she left. _What kind of car did Serah say she was driving?_ He continued talking to himself. "It's small. Silver, I think." He began circling the area for the third time in the last thirty minutes. This time he paid attention to the vehicles more than he did the cabins.

 

"That's it. Cabin 3B." He approached, slowing as he got closer. It was the cabin with the lights on and a small stream of smoke coming from the chimney. A familiar silhouette crossed in front of the window. Hope's hands began to sweat.

 

"What do I tell her?" He shook his head hard enough for his hair to whip back and forth. "Hey, Light. Yeah, I kind of, you know, stalked you with the replacement tracking app I hacked onto your phone a few days ago so I would be able to sleep while you were away." A slapping sound echoed as he facepalmed. _Didn't think that one all the way through, Estheim._

 

He shook his trepidation away. "There're some things you just do." Taking a fortifying breath, Hope donned his Director's façade before approaching the door. He lifted his hand and rapped firmly three times then stepped back to wait. _Hopefully this is the right cabin, or I'm going to feel like a bigger damn fool than I do right now._

 

The wait wasn't long, and he did have the right cabin. The young woman who opened the door, however, was a shadow of her usual, confident self. "Hope?" She gazed at him, masks fully lowered. Her eyes were red-rimmed and shadowed, her cheeks puffy. She looked like she hadn't slept or eaten decently in the days since she left. "What are you doing here?"

 

Hope stood, stupefied at the difference a few days could make. _I_ _ **knew**_ _there was something wrong._ "Hey, Light." He paused to calm his racing heart. "Can I, uh." _Stuttering, Hope? Nice. Real smooth._ "Can I come in?"

 

His question snapped Lightning out of her reverie. "Um, yeah. Sure." She stepped back enough so he could enter. "So, what are you doing here?" She gathered her fragmented composure and made a stab at normal conversation. "Not that I'm unhappy to see you, exactly. It's just..." Light stumbled to a halt. _What am I doing? I can't pretend everything is hunky dory fine!_ She shook her head again. "I'm actually packing for home. You came at an interesting time." Refusing to look in Hope's direction, she meandered back into the master bedroom.

 

Hope studied the living room and the parts of the cabin he could see from it. A pillow, the one she'd thrown, lay lopsidedly on the couch; it was noticeably out of shape relative to its twin. Crystal powder was all that remained of a vase, broken when she threw the pillow. A broom and dustpan was placed carefully next to the mess. He followed her into the hallway. _What_ _ **happened**_ _?_

 

"Um. You're heading home? I'm surprised. You were pretty adamant about needing to get away and figure things out." His voice trailed off as he noticed the gash in the kitchen wall she hadn't yet patched. _That was made by a_ _ **knife**_ _. What the hell, Light?!_

 

"Uh. Light." He carefully approached her in the bedroom. "Is there anything I, uh, can help you with?" He gestured to her suitcase. "Um, packing? Maybe?" _Come on, Hope! You came here to talk to her. You're the only one who knows just how much she's hurting because she can't cover her moods with you anymore._ His skin crawled as his blood seemed to boil just underneath it. _Something is definitely up_.

 

Lightning gave up pretending to be calm. "What are you doing here, Hope?" She turned on him so fast he took a defensive step back. Snapping a hand to her hip, she continued, "No one knew where I was specifically, and I removed that stupid tracking app Serah made me get." Truly at the end of her rope, tears pooling in her eyes, Lightning stalked Hope across the room. _On top of those blasted dreams, this...Him showing up...is too much!_ Her sudden aggression gave him the willies. "So how did you find me when I didn't want to **be** found?"

 

_Keep it together, Hope_. "When you hung up on Serah, she became very upset. Fang and Snow were set to come find you whatever you wanted, and Noel wasn't too far behi-."

 

"That doesn't explain why **you're** here." Lightning's tone was sharp enough to cut. _There's more to it than that, Hope. You were fine at a distance._ Her expression hardened. _**I**_ _wasn't fine, but you seemed_ _ **peachy keen**_ _on the phone_ _._

 

"What? I can't be worried about you, too?" Baffled, Hope pushed back against her implication that he wouldn't want to find her. _There's something I'm not seeing; something else underneath this._ "We're partners, Lightning. That's what you said in the Whitewood." He took a step toward her, hands held out entreatingly. "And I think we've more than proven that truth in the centuries since."

 

His words rolled through the former soldier like a tidal wave. She was helpless to stop the emotional catastrophe he'd inadvertently triggered within her. _I didn't...I'm not...I couldn't...I can't..._ Her thoughts razed to their foundation, Lightning Farron lost control for the second time in twenty-four hours.

 

Hope felt a flush the likes of which he hadn't experienced since he faced Snow on that rooftop in Palumpolum. Only instead of the relief of righteous fury, he felt agonized, heart-wrenching despair. _I've felt this before. In the Chaos._ He watched helplessly as the woman before him came undone. _Shit! This_ _is_ _ **her**_ _!_

 

Lightning stumbled back against the wall behind her lost in her memories. Her fears manifested in her mind's eye with exacting detail. In rapid succession, she saw pieces of her nightmares, waking and sleeping, come to life. Hope was a cieth. Hope abandoned her, was abandoned by her. Hope murdered Snow. Hope died in her arms. Hope was forever crystallized. Hope was strung up, destroyed by Bhunivelze. On and on the images came; each a poisoned lesion on her soul.

 

"Light!" Hope leapt the short distance between them. Bringing her unresisting body into a supportive embrace, he sat them both on the bed and examined her face. What he saw tortured him far more than the God of Light ever could have, the phantom notwithstanding. Lightning's eyes were dilated until the irises nearly vanished, and her complexion held an alarming pallor. Her breath and faint pulse fluttered against him rapidly.

 

This close to her he could hear her tormented murmuring. "I didn't...I'm not...I couldn’t...I can't..." Appalled, he realized she was repeating these phrases compulsively. _What is she_ _ **seeing**_ _?!_

 

"Light. Come on. Don't do this. Please." His anguished whisper went unheeded. The longer she remained unresponsive, the greater his foreboding grew. Hyperventilating, Hope fumbled for his phone. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.... I couldn't stay.... You have to...." The phone dropped from his hand, and he left it where it fell. Pulling her close, he buried his face in her shoulder as her body trembled in his arms. She seemed to be falling further into her stupor. Breathing deeply, he struggled to calm himself enough to speak.

 

A few minutes passed far too slowly for his peace of mind before he was able to gasp, "Please, Light. Come back to me. You have to." As he calmed, Hope noticed that she calmed. Abruptly, he made the connection between his state of mind and Lightning's. _Wait. We're_ _ **feeding**_ _each others' emotional states?_ With that realization, he focused on his breathing and heart rate. _If I can get myself under control, maybe she'll snap out of whatever is happening._

 

Ten minutes later, Lightning blinked her overly dry eyes. _Again?!_ She focused on Hope, embarrassed that he saw her fall apart. "You can let me up now." He hastily helped her straighten up. She refused to meet his eyes. That is until she felt a gentle touch against her cheek.

 

Delirious with relief, Hope pressed his cheek against hers. "Light. You're ok." He pulled away and met her timid glance. A gentle smile settled on his face as she looked away. "We have some things to talk about."

 

"Like what?" Lightning kept her gaze averted and her tone disinterested. _I just want to fall through the floor right now. Is that too much to ask?_

 

"Like what's going on between us." Hope held a hand up to forestall any misunderstandings. "I think this will help you resolve what's bothering you." He smiled again. "Promise."

 

"How do you figure?" Her tone remained clipped; Hope wasn't fooled. _She's still antsy. The prickling has calmed down a lot, though. So at least she's open to listening...hopefully...mostly..._ He took a moment to calm himself. _Alright, Estheim. Don't over-think this._

 

"Well. You remember how, or rather where, I said good bye on the Last Day, right?" She nodded impatiently as if to say "Tell me something I don't know."

"When we saved each other, that connection deepened." Demanding he elaborate with a quirk of an eyebrow, Lightning remained silent as Hope continued, "And, I think we're dealing with the repercussions of that connection in addition to everything that happened before you saved me and reunited with your younger self."  
  
"So, what are you saying?" Butterflies erupted in Lightning's stomach. She stomped down on them - hard. _I can't get distracted. We're problem solving as good partners and friends do._ Her other desires for this conversation were purposely ignored by the stubborn woman. They were too difficult to deal with on her own; if this trip taught her nothing else, it taught her that she had a long way to go to integrate Lumina without losing her sanity in the process. That much he was right about.

 

Hope scooted away from her reluctantly as a buzzing aura surrounded them. _I don't know how she'll take this._ He kept a light grip on her hand unable to let go of that small connection.

 

"Well, we've always kind of known when something is bothering each other. In the Old World, I mean." He waited for her nod. "And it grew deeper during...." Here Hope trailed off unsure how to continue. Gathering his thoughts, he continued. "The final thirteen days, especially the Last Day, we were so much closer on so many levels despite our emotions being taken...." He paused again dropping his gaze from hers.

 

Lightning was very still, barely breathing, as she guessed at what her partner was trying to say. "You're saying that Bhuni-," she changed what she was saying at his flinch. "That **he** connected us to each other directly instead of through him?" She grimaced. "That's a lovely thought."

 

"Not quite. He didn't understand souls, couldn't even perceive them." Sighing, Hope hesitantly continued, "I think, ummm...I might have...accidentally...."

 

In another life, Hope Estheim was the leader of an entire civilization, a scientist, a gifted speaker; his experience in those roles didn't make it any easier to face this woman while his grasping vulnerability for her was on display. He squeezed his eyes shut before continuing. "I think I might have made the connection myself while I was part of Bhu-...him."

 

_Well. Can't say I saw_ _ **that**_ _coming_. Lightning had been many things in her long life: guardian, soldier, demi-goddess, goddess' champion, savior, full goddess. None of those roles prepared her for Hope's confession or what it implied. "What?"

 

Agitation chafed at his mind. Hope dropped her hand and stood. Pacing and gesticulating wildly, he answered her. "I couldn't lose you again. You were finally... Finally! **Right**. **There**. Not a **dream**. Not an **illusion**. **You**! And he was going to take you away from me." Residual jealousy and blatant fear darkened his eyes to a grayish-green she hadn't seen since 10 AF as she watched his reunion with Serah from Valhalla.

 

"I know! I’m messed up. But..." Hope knelt in front of the stunned woman. "I can't breathe without you, Light. And," he took her hands in his. "I **know**...I can feel **here** ," he brought their joined hands to his heart, "that you can't breathe without me, either."

 

Lightning scrutinized the man before her in amazement. She selfishly took the time to visually peel away his defenses layer by layer as he knelt in front of her. _I have to be sure._ What she saw gave her the courage she'd never admit to lacking. _He's serious._

 

Prying one of her hands from Hope's, Light stroked her fingertips across his cheek. "You're right." She smiled wistfully at his astonished expression. "The only time I've been able to breathe since," pausing to consider how long it's been since she was comfortable in her own skin and with her life, the Old World's savior stopped speaking, confounded.

 

"Since when, Lightning?" Hope's voice was barely above a whisper as he pulled her closer in comfort, for himself or for her or for them both he didn't particularly know or care. It was enough that their masks were falling away as harrowing as the process was.

 

A pained demeanor settled over her as she continued, "Since before my mother died, the only time I've been able to breathe freely has been when I'm with you."

 

Hope didn't know whether to be elated at her declaration that she needed him as much as he needed her or to feel ashamed that he was elated she hadn't felt like herself for so very, very long. He settled on acknowledging a common truth instead. "Me, too, Light. I haven't felt right since my mother died unless I'm with you, too."

 

"Where does that leave us?"

 

"Ummm. Well, we've been reborn so...." Hope pulled back then stood. Extending his hand with a quirky grin, he continued. "Hi. I'm Hope Estheim. And you are?"

 

Lightning blinked at him. Then she blinked again. "Seriously, Hope?"

 

"Yes, I'm Hope. And you are?" His smile grew into a smirk as he watched her flounder a bit.

 

Seeing his amusement, Light decided to follow his lead before she felt even more foolish. _Two can play this game._ Extending her hand and grasping his, she gave it a firm shake. "I'm Lightning Farron." A smile grew as more pleasant memories surfaced. "You can call me Light." Her wistfulness returning, she continued, "Or Claire if you'd rather."

 

His smirk collapsed under the shock of her giving him permission to use her real name. After he recovered, a contented smile spread in its place. "Claire." He pulled her into a warm embrace that provided them both room to breathe. "I'm so glad to have met you."


End file.
